


Everything but

by Growingjourney



Category: To All the Boys I've Loved Before Series - Jenny Han, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018)
Genre: Anxiety, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-09-04
Packaged: 2019-07-03 21:23:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15827196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Growingjourney/pseuds/Growingjourney
Summary: He knew every single thing about her... except for this





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So hey! I’ve never written anything before and I did this in less than an hour so yeah let’s see how it goes it probably sucks if it does tell me. I will only keep posting if y’all want me to lol.

Peter knew everything about Laura jean. He prided himself on it and would spend the rest of his life learning if that’s why it took to know the enigma that is Laura jean. Her hopes and fears, how to tell when she was lying and her favorite foods. He knew her. 

Except for this...

He didn’t know about the anxiety that had been plaguing her life ever since the death of her mom. Sure he knows about the hurt her death left behind. But he doesn’t know how kitty meeting a new friend, rollercoasters or big crowds send her into a wheezing fit.

He didn’t know about the ever present fear coursing through her veins or the way changing plans would wreck her.

Things that she has tried her hardest to hide.

Her father understands her hesitation and respects her need for space and Kitty doesn’t fully grasp the situation so she isn’t a concern either.

But she has been in a very real relationship with Peter Kavinsky for around four months now and Margot is lecturing her over Skype of all things on why she should tell Peter. 

Laura Jean doesn’t like this idea much at all. She likes the way he respects her bravery. She’s made it this far without him suspecting anything, so why ruin that now. But then Margot shining through her laptop reminding her that Peter loves her and this won’t change anything, how if it does then he never deserved her affection in the first place.

Her silence is met with more authority as Margot asked her how long she plans on hiding this, till they’re in college, married, retired?? 

Laura jean can stomach all these things, but she’d be lying is she said her stomach didn’t churn just a little when Margot asks what happens if he catches her mid panic attack? How hurt would he be to find out she kept that from him? 

But she’s pushes that deep down to churn in the pit of her stomach with other unresolved questions like if she was pretty or smart enough.

xxxxxx

It’s been three months since the fated video chat with go go and LJ is feeling good. She made a list of excuses to use just in case.

She imagines that if Peter finds out it’ll be over something like gen or a test all easy enough excuses to her panic. She didn’t think it would happen like this.

 

Laura jean was going to meet peter at a back to school party hosted by one of his soccer friends.

Though, apprehensive she makes it fine the whole way there - because yes she is driving now thanks to the dutiful hell of her instructor, one Peter Kavinsky - but as she walks in the door the familiar pain settles in the pit of her stomach as she looks around for her boyfriend to no avail. As she pauses at the keg slightly to the side she ends up downing a beer in hopes of masking her insecurity. 

It does a good job because as Peter looks on at her from the floor above he sees nothing wrong with his gorgeous girlfriend. Content to just admire from afar for a second. Thinking of how fucking lucky he is that he gets the privilege to know the anomaly that is Laura jean.

That is until he spots her turn on her heel and swiftly leave. As he looks on through the vast wall of windows he assumes she forgot something - which is a common thing for his hot mess of a girlfriend. but everything changes at warp speed as she power walks - yes, power walks because she is a 90 year old woman with her arms pumping and everything - out to her car and promptly hops in to turn on the vehicle and speed out of the street something similar to a James Bond film.

He tries calling her four times each going to her voicemail box before he too heads to his car and starts speeding his way to Laura jeans house.

As he pulls up he notices the substandard parking job, he had though they worked on that in the many Saturday morning driving lessons. But he walks up the pathway to their door to find it unlocked. He tentatively heads inside only to remember that it was Saturday night so kitty was at a sleepover and Dr. Covey was at the hospital so he quickly moved up the stairs and softly opened up her door. 

....

“Laura jean?!”

 

To be continued....


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He finds her

At first she doesn’t hear him.

Though her defense the way way he said her name Laden with disbelief and fear resulted in something of a whisper.

Or she’s just to busy clawing at her chest to notice.

Her little finger nails raking down her neck to her heart. Angrey red marks are already adorning her flesh. Soon Little drops of blood will begin to adorned her skin like morning dew and much later she will have to deal with the ugly, scarring consequences of her “outburst”

She is splitting her time fairly evenly between gasping for air and dry heaving. Because Laura jean is nothing if not balanced.

So many thoughts are flying through her brain she can feel it. Her head feels as though it’s pulsing and she doesn’t even want to begin to unpack the mountain of very real emotions she’s feeling Ranging from fear of her father dying, doubting her worth and loosing peter.

Her makeup is smudged and if she doesn’t get a grip soon shell literally start pulling her hair out.

But she doesn’t have time to worry about that because large, strong, masculine hands are dwarfing her own pulling her away from herself and wrapping her in the a bear hug. She is still wheezing as though she’s just climbed out from a fire but the arms around her are sure, steady through it all. Seemingly unfazed by her unraveling by her very seems in front of him. She’s not sure when she processes it’s peter, but maybe a part of her already knew. Her body acclimating to its hiding spot in his arms before her brain could catch up.

They stay like that, she’s in her own world and through it all peter stays silent rubbing his hands down her arms and back. Peppering soft kisses atop her hair.

Sometime later she resigns that they are now sitting and the pain has turned to tears as she sobs against him. His shirt is soaked by her tears and eye makeup but she to embarrassed to move from her nest in Peters arms.  
She’s so exhausted from her inner turmoil she hasn’t even processed the ramifications of peter knowing when he says her name like prayer ghosting over his lips.

He holds her face in his hands and probs if she wants to talk about it. 

She doesn’t.

So he strips his now sullied shirt and pulls back the covers on her bed - though it isn’t much work with her always messy room it’s already half way done. He goes through her pj drawer and grabs one of his T-shirts out and hands it to her.

( Because yes, he still maintains hat he knows everything about her, like where she keeps her pajamas and how she now has a stash of his clothes that she never bothers to return. )

And even though they have both seen each other naked he still turns around because he knows how modest she is. On a normal day he’d remind her how gorgeous she is and how she doesn’t need to feel insecure... but today is not a normal day.

She crawls into the bed and while maybe a few months ago he would’ve thought about leaving her, he now has no hesitation when he strips down sans for a pair of boxers and crawls in right next to her. 

Because he loves her and can’t stand to leave her like this anymore than she wants to feel this way. And her dad is understanding on an average day so he thinks he’d definitely understand today.

He wraps himself around her as close to being one person as he can. So much need you’d think he was the one coming down from an emotional rollercoaster.

As he kisses her forehead she lies dangerously still. They don’t cry or make out or even talk. He would be worried if he didn’t feel the best of her heart against him. But in the dead of night before she drifts of he whispers “I love you Laura jean” “always and forever” she replied...  
But neither one of them slept very well that night....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TO BE CONTINUED  
> \- I'm thinking peters inner monologue that night maybe? Or just skip till morning? Or say fudge it to all small talk and dive in with the big talk?  
> \- Also I haven’t read the books but the idea of them saying “I love u” and the other replying “always and forever” just seems like the cutest thing ever  
> \- Also I hope I portrayed her mental illness well, I can only speak from experience and I wanted to make it as realistic as possible it’s messy and real and the lines between diagnoses often overlap. I also wanted her panic attack to be something relatable to everyone, even though everyone panics a little differently and disorder or not, we all lose it sometimes.  
> \- I’m sorry if this sucks! I updated so fast cause A. I’m procrastinating school work and b. I NEED MORE PK + LJSC and THERE ISNT ENOUGH FANFICTION seriously!!! I’ve read EVERY story thus far and there just isn’t enough! I’m obsessed!!! SO YALL PLS WRITE SOMETHING I’ve never written before this and it doesn’t completely suck so yeah follow in my footsteps .  
> \- I never read the notes at the end but you did and I’m proud of you like seriously, CSU’s I wouldn’t lol


	3. Chapter 3

It took awhile for laura Jean to fall asleep. He’s aware of this because Peter knows her so well he’s even become in-tune to laura jeans breathing. 

She is curled around him in every way. Her head tucked into his chest. Peters arms wrapped around her and her legs wrapped around one of his legs like a pillow. Peter is sure that it’s at least one hour but no more than two when she finally loses consciousness. 

If he knows Laura Jean (which he does) he would guess she was probably like himself trying to be the last man standing in this bizarre situation of theirs. 

So now with her lightly sighing against his chest peter begins to replay the nights events. 

Again and again and again. 

He’s not an idiot. It didn’t take much to put together that Laura jean had a panic attack. He knows the signs. When his father left and his mother had a bout of anxiety he thought she was dying. He’s now learned that, in a way, she was.

He remembers the way they overtook his mother and can’t fathom the two most important women in his life suffering from the same affliction. How poetic.

He thinks of her face at the party. And her dejected state at her house. She looked like this was normal, terrified out of her mind, but normal.

Which is somehow a worse thought. Has this happened before? When? Why wouldn’t she tell him about it. Surely she knows that peter would understand. That he wouldn’t judge her over something she couldn’t control. 

It all made a little more sense. The way she hated parties and feared love. The way she claimed to be terrified of Gen when she appeared anything but. 

His heart was aching, he thought over there breakup and how unsure she was. Laura jean was fighting a war within herself all for him and he didn’t even know it. 

Emotions swirled around in his head like a looming thunderstorm. Anger fear sadness wonder and worry. Peter is not sure when he fell asleep. Only that as he awakes early with the first rays of sun filtering through the window he is utterly alone. His body is stretched out but he feels an emptiness in his heart.   
As he finds her side of the bed vacant...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YO! So again, this is unedited, so yeah. And I’m seriously in love with Noah but I’m pretty sure we all are at this point amirite? 
> 
> Also HOLY FRUCK HIS HANDS ARE HOT
> 
> Also idk bout y’all but like no one IRL knows or would guess I read fanfic lol. What about y’all? Are y’all unashamed fangirls or hiding behind a screen? No judgement, just curious.


	4. Chapter 4

Dazed peter padded down the stairs, exhausted and confused by his girlfriend.  
He finally saw her as be climbed his way down the last few steps. He didn’t notice the way he was holding his breath till he let it go. Even all this confusion she still looked like a goddess.

Facing the stovetop in the opposite direction he took a moment to just observe her. All legs in his T-shirt. Hair piled messily above her head. She was flipping pancakes and swaying lightly as some indie pop hummed in the background. She would pause every few minutes or so to take a sip of her tea. 

Yes tea, she doesn’t like coffee and feels hot coco is too childish (he assures her it’s not, it’s cute) so she drinks tea. Peter knows this because he prides himself in knowing everything about Lara Jean.

 

But back to the present. 

 

Sometime between flipping her fourth and fifth pancake Lara jean notices Peter’s presence. She spins around and smiles. One arm wrapped around her waist and clasping with her other hand that was perched agonist her hip. What she doesn’t think of is the way her posture Unintentionally presses her breasts higher.

Though This doesn’t slip past peter as he gawks at his gorgeous girlfriend.

Lara jean walks into his arms expectant for a kiss but is surprised when he envelops her in a classic “Peter Kavinsky her protector” bear hug. 

She refuses to admit to herself how much she needs this. But leans in tighter to his chest all the same. 

Peter removes his chin from its resting place atop Lara Jeans head only press a sweet kiss against her forehead, hoping to convey just how much he loves her.

Grabbing her shoulders he looks in to her eyes with so much intensity and she is terrified. Normally she relishes in the attention he gives her. But not today, she is to busy praying that he somehow forgot about the shot show that her last night. So she quickly goes back to the stove and continues prepping pancakes. She asks Peter how many he’d like and he doesn’t respond aside from a pensive raised eyebrow. She makes him four anyway. 

Peter’s thoughts were bordering between worried and almost comedic. Who does she think he is, some one night stand or acquaintance she can push away with breakfast. Haha, fuck no. He was the love of her life. No way would he let her get away with this. And her carefree attitude only enforced how bad this was. This wasn’t her, she doesn’t hide from him. 

So,laden With Concern and a gentle command he calls her name out.

“Covey”

She didn’t even look at him, responding with a short hum. He rolled his eyes. Come on, LJ.

“Lara Jean. You know what I mean” 

She hoped that her expression came off oblivious as she had hoped and not terrified like how she was truly feeling

Peter sighed with exasperation.  
“What happened last night babe”

She pretends to think about it for a moment before feigning a great revelation and exclaims that she was going to come to the party but she just got to wrapped up in her book and next thing she knew she was sobbing about the death of the main character. By the time her rambling was over peter didn’t even look slightly convinced.

(He wasn’t)

“I saw you walk in the party Covey”

“Oh” is all she says. Realization dawning on her that peter knows her and she could lie to him about as well as she could lie to Margot (which was not at all) 

“Look lara jean, I have no idea what happened or why you haven’t told me, but Incase I haven’t made it clear enough already, I love you. And nothing could ever change that. I love  
You for you, even when you’re not perfect. I want to see those parts of you to.” he says the last part cradling her face in his hands and he’s reminded of one more thing. “And also, you forget that I know you. And I’ve seen you cry over dozens of books at this point and no book makes you cry like that.” Finishing off his monologue with a smirk and a kiss to her nose.

“So what do ya say covey, what’s up”

After a second or two of palpable silence peter sighed, frustrated. (But not at her, never, at her)

“That wasn’t the first time that happened, was it.”

Lara Jean was wringing her fingers together and when he spoke she froze on the spot. he squeezed his eyes shut and grimaced. That was all he needed, he knew.

When he made no move to say anything else lara Jean peered up at him guiltily.

Then he was opening his eyes and staring directly at her with his big chocolate brown eyes that looked so deep into his soul and she knew she couldn’t run from this.

“When” he whispered, so scared if he pushed just a little to far she’d bolt.

She knew what he was asking, and she couldn’t fight it any longer so she answered simply “After my mom died”

“Why didn’t you tell me”

And suddenly the brave man proclaiming he loves her is gone and replaced by a vulnerable, caring boy. So terrified he was somehow responsible for this, that something he did caused her not to trust him.

So I’m that moment she bared her soul to him.  
Because it wasn’t his fault and she needed him to know that.

“It wasn’t you, it wasn’t you at. All. It was just you are so perfect and I love what we have and how simple and care free you are. And how you didn’t treat me like I was ever broken. I like the way you see me as brave. Because really, I’m just a terrified little girl who can’t get it together” she crying now but she powers on “I didn’t want things to change, I didn’t want you to look at me differently. But I also really didn’t want to admit how weak I was.”

He’s pulled her into his arms and she’s full on sobbing now. He kisses her head and whispers sweet nothings in her ear until she calms

“Don’t you see lara Jean, this is why you’re the bravest person I know. Not because life has been easy to you, and god knows it hasn’t, and i so wish I could take it all away from you, but I can’t. And somehow through all of the bullshit life throws at you, you still make it through. And so gracefully at that. And Fuck babe, I love you, period. You could have fifteen different personalities for all I care and i would still love  
All of them.”

She rolls her eyes at this and he moves to keep talking. But she cuts him off. Quickly reaching her arms around his neck and covering his lips with hers. Like the situation is the titanic and his kids is the only lifeboat. Hungry, desperate, pleading.....

 

TO BE CONTINUED

 

(Also, sorry I suck at updating, writing is kinda annoying I’m finding.)

Also YO! Tell me all about you in the comments! I wanna know More about y’all!!! Or ask about me!!! I’d love to tell y’all!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Also if it doesn’t completely suck wanna beta me?


End file.
